Fresh start

 I am currently sitting in my home I worked for over the last 14 years of my life for the last Christmas I will ever Celebrate here. I had a mental breakdown a year ago. My husband left me and my dad saved me. Throughout the year I spent my time trying to fix myself. My boys joined football and I made lots of friends one couple became family to me. My Jessica is everything to me. She's the person I cry to when things are hard the main source of my support and I am so greatful I have her and her family in myife. I spent a majority of the year being rejected by justin. It hurt so bad but one day I broke routine and went to a cookout with my family. That's where I met him for the first time. The second I laid eyes on him there was something instant. Not love or attraction but a feeling of need. I felt like I need this person in my life. I felt safe. A feeling I hadn't had since mike. When I see him I'm happy I get excited just hearing his voice. I literally feel a shift in energy when he's in the room. When I laid and snuggled I missed justin. So how can it be love? He missed his ex. I told him I think we rebounded together. I didn't think anything of it until the one night I told him I missed him. I almost said I love you. He's been my happiness and my support these last couple of months. The snuggles I received made me feel loved. I love justin with all my heart. I love the life we have built and if he tried I would eventually give him another child and marry him but he chose fear. He left me emotionally for someone else. I was in the same situation I let that person go. I valued our life more. I used to look solely at Mike's pictures when I was really messed up now I'm looking at his. I feel safe with him. I feel like if I came to him even in the fucked up situation were in now. He would still be there for me. He spent Christmas with his mom which is sad cause he has a family. We all love him. I don't know why we didn't get to know him sooner if only it was 4 years earlier. He wants a family so bad. I do too. It's sad when you look at the things you once valued so dearly and realize they're not there anymore. The man I loved and stood by for the last 14 years is dead. I no longer see him when I look in his eyes. I know that is my fault. If it was truly love well get back together if it wasn't like he says then we won't. I need my person right now and he's not talking to me. I need my best friend. How do I handle this situation? I'm completely happy raising my boys with the 3 of them. Do I love him? Is it because I'm hurting? Why do I feel like I need him? Could I feel that way with someone else? Why did I allow it to happen? A piece of me thinks the situation will dissolve in the next couple of months and there well be standing in front of each other. Or justin will come back and my family will be whole again. Wouldn't it of been great to not have all that heartache when we were young? If only he could of thought before he spoke. Thought before he acted. We would be ok.

You decide the love you deserve

 The last year has been horrific for me but I've used every resource the universe has sent me to survive. I'm sick of the feeling of being discarded like people come into my life take all the love I have to give and discard me when broken. I Always give chance after chance but the further I go the more I notice if they really valued me they would make an effort to show that. I have just spent the last 10 months of my life trying to save my family, myself, my home and him. Only to be embarrassed in front of all the new friends that helped me during this hard time. Isn't it funny how perception differs? I believe time effort and care constitutes a relationship worth fighting for. But so does mutual respect, understanding and wanting to fulfill the other person's needs. This could of been a turning point for us. It could of been where we worked on what was wrong but neither one saw the opportunity. One was sick the other jus didn't care enough to try and walked away. Leaving the other to possibly die. I always try until there is nothing left of me. Each day that passes and each event that comes and goes I realize I will never be loved like I love. It fills me with a sadness that no one will ever understand to want something so badly. A basic human need. Something that most people are given at birth but I was denied and gave freely. I still give freely. I forgive and forgive. I give and give. I receive nothing in return and never expect anything because true love is to love unconditionally without expecting anything in return. My classes start soon and I am looking for a better paying job. I'm dying my vibrant rainbow hair in hopes of finding a new job that will fund my new life. I'm about to give up on the hope of ever saving my family. When I am finally at that point I'm going to start my new life focused solely on myself and my children. I will not run to rescue him. I will not fix his problems. I will not be the one cleaning up his messes. The one comforting him when he is discarded. I will be the one building myself up. Creating a life for myself where I give myself the care and the love I wish I would of received from others. Where I don't answer to anyone but me. I know my boundaries. I know my needs. Me and him are not the same. He's out finding ass.. I'm about to find a snug buddy someone that will hold me. I just want to be held. To feel some comfort after everything I have been through..fuck buddies have always existed but now I'm creating snuggle buddies. This is the turning point he's either going to realize what he's losing and start making an effort or he's going to watch his family end. I will never look at him or associate with him ever again. I will just have my dad deal with him. He thinks cause of the kids I will be a constant figure in his life..he's wrong. I won't waste another second on someone who doesn't value me. I am beautiful. I'm full of love. I am smart. I love who I am there is nothing wrong with my personality or beliefs. I am unique. I am special and any person with a brain would see that and love me with no issues. It will be his lost and he will realize it. They always do. I'm always the one warning them they always figure it out when it's too late..life is funny