Fresh start

 I am currently sitting in my home I worked for over the last 14 years of my life for the last Christmas I will ever Celebrate here. I had a mental breakdown a year ago. My husband left me and my dad saved me. Throughout the year I spent my time trying to fix myself. My boys joined football and I made lots of friends one couple became family to me. My Jessica is everything to me. She's the person I cry to when things are hard the main source of my support and I am so greatful I have her and her family in myife. I spent a majority of the year being rejected by justin. It hurt so bad but one day I broke routine and went to a cookout with my family. That's where I met him for the first time. The second I laid eyes on him there was something instant. Not love or attraction but a feeling of need. I felt like I need this person in my life. I felt safe. A feeling I hadn't had since mike. When I see him I'm happy I get excited just hearing his voice. I literally feel a shift in energy when he's in the room. When I laid and snuggled I missed justin. So how can it be love? He missed his ex. I told him I think we rebounded together. I didn't think anything of it until the one night I told him I missed him. I almost said I love you. He's been my happiness and my support these last couple of months. The snuggles I received made me feel loved. I love justin with all my heart. I love the life we have built and if he tried I would eventually give him another child and marry him but he chose fear. He left me emotionally for someone else. I was in the same situation I let that person go. I valued our life more. I used to look solely at Mike's pictures when I was really messed up now I'm looking at his. I feel safe with him. I feel like if I came to him even in the fucked up situation were in now. He would still be there for me. He spent Christmas with his mom which is sad cause he has a family. We all love him. I don't know why we didn't get to know him sooner if only it was 4 years earlier. He wants a family so bad. I do too. It's sad when you look at the things you once valued so dearly and realize they're not there anymore. The man I loved and stood by for the last 14 years is dead. I no longer see him when I look in his eyes. I know that is my fault. If it was truly love well get back together if it wasn't like he says then we won't. I need my person right now and he's not talking to me. I need my best friend. How do I handle this situation? I'm completely happy raising my boys with the 3 of them. Do I love him? Is it because I'm hurting? Why do I feel like I need him? Could I feel that way with someone else? Why did I allow it to happen? A piece of me thinks the situation will dissolve in the next couple of months and there well be standing in front of each other. Or justin will come back and my family will be whole again. Wouldn't it of been great to not have all that heartache when we were young? If only he could of thought before he spoke. Thought before he acted. We would be ok.