Regrets are a slow acting poison

Stupid people don't realize how much they need people until it's too late..Unfortunately I am one of those stupid people, but not intentionally..In recent years mostly the year of my 30th i lost huge parts of my life. When mourning you try to look back at pictures and remember them. Unfortunately if any one was important to me, i wouldn't take pictures of them or with them. Because subconsciously i knew it was an acceptance of one day losing them. If you ever really looked at the key moments in your life..I mean really look..You would see that something else (fate, god,force of nature) was in play. Look back at the biggest milestones in your life and it would amaze you the difference of if you had said no, or not left the house that day or gone somewhere else. After a point if you're actually coherent. You can see everything that made you who you are today. Some will feel proud of the choices they've made, others not so much. The key to a long happy life is not having regrets. To be mindful of every action and not to act on emotion. An emotional state of mind is not a logical state of mind and you will be hurting after wards due to making rash decisions or hurting someone you truly do care about. Anger will take a kind happy person and eat them alive. I used to lash out at the world. I could never understand why i was dealt the hand i was dealt. As a child wishing for life to get better to an adult questioning why it never did. Luckily i found a way to come to terms. Not to excuse the wrongs done to me, but to look at the bigger picture. Learn from their mistakes and understand why they made them. For me at least i used to be a very unhappy and angry person, i felt like the whole world was to blame for my pain. I'd always acknowledge the bad but never accepted the good out of fear it was to good to be true. During that time frame i did nothing to help myself because i either thought less of myself or made excuses why things would never get any better. One day litterally out of the blue after the death of my best friend. I realized i had wasted years of my life being angry. So i started practing mindfulness. I wrote about my feelings, i confronted the people that hurt me, and i came to terms with the past. I began to be a optimist. To be greatful for everything even the little things. And a mindset of bad things do happen but things will get better. My struggles helped give me an understanding of the world few have. It made me capable to be understanding of others and to see through the front alot of people give to the world, and truly see them. I guess the point to all this is life is short...Regret is like a slow acting poison..take time to be mindful of yourself and live everyday like it was your last. Eventually you will find happiness.

crossroads

A lot of people conform.. they start off as individuals with a wide open future and then they slowly turn into what they believe they're supposed to.. They dress a certain way to fit in with friends, listen to the same music, eat at the same restaurants, hang out at the same places..eventually there isn't much left of what was actually them.. so they separate from their then norm to find themselves again to only find a single person they enjoy being around to completely change again.. would it be considered growing or lack of self? After you meet this person you move your schedule to be around them, you start to like all the same things, eat the same food and eventually have children that are then raised to follow the same pattern. Lately ive examined my life a lot closer than usual. You spend years stuck in a routine.. and have to wonder is it because i'm happy or too comfortable to change anything? I usually have more people to talk to but recently a very close tie was severed and I don't know if it can be fixed again.. the situation brought back things from my childhood I thought I had gotten over but still weigh on me heavily..The feeling of helplessness..the feeling when someone you love hurts you soo much emotionally it feels like the whole world has gone out of control that if you sat still for even a second you mite not be able to catch your breath again..So what do you do if someone you hold dear wrongs you in a way deemed unforgivable? do you avoid contact, do you cry about it or do you take a step back and examine the whole situation see what went wrong for any of it to happen in the first place..you look at the pros and cons of having this relationship stay in your life..and after all those lists you think about you and your happiness...The hardest part is a lot of people had messed up childhoods so knowing  whats healthy and what isn't is hard to figure out.

Another light lost to suicide

10 years in a blink of an eye it passes..and you never really realize it has. 10 years ago i lost someone. Someone that was fortunite enough to know me and all my fears,flaws, insecurities, heartaches. But look past it all to be my family. Our issue was we were too much alike, like most friends same interests, same problems, same annoyances. I find myself often mirroring something you would being doing if you were still here. So much time was wasted trying to protect our friendship that i almost ruined it. In the back of my head i always thought i dont care how as long as youre here and happy nothing else matters. And i steped away as needed to ensure your happiness, but always come running when i felt you needed me. Because i wanted to give you the same gift you gave me. I never wanted you to feel alone and in your darkest times i tried to be a light, i tried to always let you know that you were loved completely, i tried to let you know you had a light that would help alot of people and change the world for the better. Sad thing is you never saw it the same as me. So much unspoken caused frustraction and anger. But it was known without words but by actions. There was a deeper connection still to this day i dont still understand. How can you know when someone is hurting without speaking or seeing them. But just feel it and find them in time to fix it. I dreamed of you a couple days before, i saw your funeral..it scared me. I looked for you for days pleading with every one to find you,time wasnt on my side the morning i finnally found you. As i was leaving to see you. You were already gone. I felt a whole of me die and break off. Still yet to find it. I closed myself to the world.The dark world that would turn off such a light. For so long i pretended to hate you but would break apart at anything thought. Suicide is such a selfish thing. The living world is supposed to pick up the pieces and try to move on.To forget of a world you once existed in. But what of the person that caused the affect do they ever stop to think of their actions before they act? Think of their family and friends.I dont believe you did. You for the first time in your life only saw the bad, not the whole picture. You gave into your fears and insecurities which could eat anyone whole. The years will continue to go on and i will have glimpses of you in my dreams asking you for those answers we all need to know..