Fresh start

 I am currently sitting in my home I worked for over the last 14 years of my life for the last Christmas I will ever Celebrate here. I had a mental breakdown a year ago. My husband left me and my dad saved me. Throughout the year I spent my time trying to fix myself. My boys joined football and I made lots of friends one couple became family to me. My Jessica is everything to me. She's the person I cry to when things are hard the main source of my support and I am so greatful I have her and her family in myife. I spent a majority of the year being rejected by justin. It hurt so bad but one day I broke routine and went to a cookout with my family. That's where I met him for the first time. The second I laid eyes on him there was something instant. Not love or attraction but a feeling of need. I felt like I need this person in my life. I felt safe. A feeling I hadn't had since mike. When I see him I'm happy I get excited just hearing his voice. I literally feel a shift in energy when he's in the room. When I laid and snuggled I missed justin. So how can it be love? He missed his ex. I told him I think we rebounded together. I didn't think anything of it until the one night I told him I missed him. I almost said I love you. He's been my happiness and my support these last couple of months. The snuggles I received made me feel loved. I love justin with all my heart. I love the life we have built and if he tried I would eventually give him another child and marry him but he chose fear. He left me emotionally for someone else. I was in the same situation I let that person go. I valued our life more. I used to look solely at Mike's pictures when I was really messed up now I'm looking at his. I feel safe with him. I feel like if I came to him even in the fucked up situation were in now. He would still be there for me. He spent Christmas with his mom which is sad cause he has a family. We all love him. I don't know why we didn't get to know him sooner if only it was 4 years earlier. He wants a family so bad. I do too. It's sad when you look at the things you once valued so dearly and realize they're not there anymore. The man I loved and stood by for the last 14 years is dead. I no longer see him when I look in his eyes. I know that is my fault. If it was truly love well get back together if it wasn't like he says then we won't. I need my person right now and he's not talking to me. I need my best friend. How do I handle this situation? I'm completely happy raising my boys with the 3 of them. Do I love him? Is it because I'm hurting? Why do I feel like I need him? Could I feel that way with someone else? Why did I allow it to happen? A piece of me thinks the situation will dissolve in the next couple of months and there well be standing in front of each other. Or justin will come back and my family will be whole again. Wouldn't it of been great to not have all that heartache when we were young? If only he could of thought before he spoke. Thought before he acted. We would be ok.

You decide the love you deserve

 The last year has been horrific for me but I've used every resource the universe has sent me to survive. I'm sick of the feeling of being discarded like people come into my life take all the love I have to give and discard me when broken. I Always give chance after chance but the further I go the more I notice if they really valued me they would make an effort to show that. I have just spent the last 10 months of my life trying to save my family, myself, my home and him. Only to be embarrassed in front of all the new friends that helped me during this hard time. Isn't it funny how perception differs? I believe time effort and care constitutes a relationship worth fighting for. But so does mutual respect, understanding and wanting to fulfill the other person's needs. This could of been a turning point for us. It could of been where we worked on what was wrong but neither one saw the opportunity. One was sick the other jus didn't care enough to try and walked away. Leaving the other to possibly die. I always try until there is nothing left of me. Each day that passes and each event that comes and goes I realize I will never be loved like I love. It fills me with a sadness that no one will ever understand to want something so badly. A basic human need. Something that most people are given at birth but I was denied and gave freely. I still give freely. I forgive and forgive. I give and give. I receive nothing in return and never expect anything because true love is to love unconditionally without expecting anything in return. My classes start soon and I am looking for a better paying job. I'm dying my vibrant rainbow hair in hopes of finding a new job that will fund my new life. I'm about to give up on the hope of ever saving my family. When I am finally at that point I'm going to start my new life focused solely on myself and my children. I will not run to rescue him. I will not fix his problems. I will not be the one cleaning up his messes. The one comforting him when he is discarded. I will be the one building myself up. Creating a life for myself where I give myself the care and the love I wish I would of received from others. Where I don't answer to anyone but me. I know my boundaries. I know my needs. Me and him are not the same. He's out finding ass.. I'm about to find a snug buddy someone that will hold me. I just want to be held. To feel some comfort after everything I have been through..fuck buddies have always existed but now I'm creating snuggle buddies. This is the turning point he's either going to realize what he's losing and start making an effort or he's going to watch his family end. I will never look at him or associate with him ever again. I will just have my dad deal with him. He thinks cause of the kids I will be a constant figure in his life..he's wrong. I won't waste another second on someone who doesn't value me. I am beautiful. I'm full of love. I am smart. I love who I am there is nothing wrong with my personality or beliefs. I am unique. I am special and any person with a brain would see that and love me with no issues. It will be his lost and he will realize it. They always do. I'm always the one warning them they always figure it out when it's too late..life is funny

Fresh start

 Tomorrow will be the first time in 13 years I have been on a date with someone else. I had a breakdown last year, I thought my family would love and support me but they all turned their backs on me...I currently have no family. I feel alone but I have hope things will turn out good. My significant other started dating 2 days after we broke up. After 13 years I thought I was worth more to him but I was wrong. I'm now waiting to see if he'll talk to me so we can try to keep our family together. I know he's detached because he's banging someone else and unfortunately I am going to do the same to further detach myself once and for all from him. Over the years he broke me down in ways I never thought was possible. He called me a whore and ran me down my whole pregnancy. Right after our son was born he was addicted to pain killers at that point he was mentally and physically abusive.

new life

 It starts at a point in your life when you're ready to be your true self. You begin to make changes to become who you envision. as time goes on you become more and more the person you envision. you start to notice everything flows with light and positivity. you dont have to try to live life right it just happens. when you live fully with your truth. I am currently going to school working and about to move with my husband. Not sure where but were figuring it out. I am currently in the process of focusing on my priorities myself our children and my husband. I live my life mostly in hopes to help people and cheer them up just by interacting with them. every child i come in contact in hopes of creating a healthy role model for them and to help their lives in so they can grow up to be strong adults.

??????

 I feel like I've been sleeping the last decade or so. I've dedicated almost my whole life to care for everyone but myself. I finally started caring for myself and it feels like the whole world is falling apart without my constant supervision. I started school throughout I started to feel more like myself but while doing so it felt like the world was fighting against me. Every person I knew and loved was telling me I shouldn't or couldn't do it that I was neglecting my family. I woke up each day feeling a mixture of excitement and emotions I'm not even sure of. Each class each day I went through I felt more and more like myself. With each day I felt closer to my husband. I'm at a point in my life where everything is changing at a pace that gives me a ridiculous amount of anxiety. I have never been great at being weak or accepting help but in the last couple of years I've wanted to. I have wanted to be weak with Mike. I've wanted him to know every doubt insecurity. It feels like since day one I've been fighting him on the emotional stuff when all I really want is to melt into him. I don't want to hide from him. I just want him to be the only person in the world that can see me clearly and that's how it's only been. I always wondered if he had a serious issue because Mike has always loved me regardless of my issues. He always looked past them and loved me and only me. They say when you meet your person the whole world stops and you can 9nly see that person and you are never the same. From that second on you become a different person. Every second of every day that person is your everything every action decision anything is solely to make that person happy or to become a better person so that person can have the wife they deserve. Your world glows because you experience a wholeness you have never experienced. Everything that mattered before that meeting doesn't any more. You hopes and dreams fall solely with that person and all you want is to spend every waking second trying to make that person happy. You want more than anything to have a world with that person. To spend every waking second holding loving and comforting that person. To look into their eyes, hear their voice, hold their hand, to love them in completeness. I have lived my life by other people's guidelines but this one decision no matter how crazy is mine to make. I have only ever loved one person but have spent my time and energy trying to pretend I didn't. But my truth is I am his and he is mine and I could never have it any other way. I love him and I don't care who knows. That's enough gay for today honey..its progress I'm Leeann Tew and I couldn't be anyone else.