crossroads

A lot of people conform.. they start off as individuals with a wide open future and then they slowly turn into what they believe they're supposed to.. They dress a certain way to fit in with friends, listen to the same music, eat at the same restaurants, hang out at the same places..eventually there isn't much left of what was actually them.. so they separate from their then norm to find themselves again to only find a single person they enjoy being around to completely change again.. would it be considered growing or lack of self? After you meet this person you move your schedule to be around them, you start to like all the same things, eat the same food and eventually have children that are then raised to follow the same pattern. Lately ive examined my life a lot closer than usual. You spend years stuck in a routine.. and have to wonder is it because i'm happy or too comfortable to change anything? I usually have more people to talk to but recently a very close tie was severed and I don't know if it can be fixed again.. the situation brought back things from my childhood I thought I had gotten over but still weigh on me heavily..The feeling of helplessness..the feeling when someone you love hurts you soo much emotionally it feels like the whole world has gone out of control that if you sat still for even a second you mite not be able to catch your breath again..So what do you do if someone you hold dear wrongs you in a way deemed unforgivable? do you avoid contact, do you cry about it or do you take a step back and examine the whole situation see what went wrong for any of it to happen in the first place..you look at the pros and cons of having this relationship stay in your life..and after all those lists you think about you and your happiness...The hardest part is a lot of people had messed up childhoods so knowing  whats healthy and what isn't is hard to figure out.

Another light lost to suicide

10 years in a blink of an eye it passes..and you never really realize it has. 10 years ago i lost someone. Someone that was fortunite enough to know me and all my fears,flaws, insecurities, heartaches. But look past it all to be my family. Our issue was we were too much alike, like most friends same interests, same problems, same annoyances. I find myself often mirroring something you would being doing if you were still here. So much time was wasted trying to protect our friendship that i almost ruined it. In the back of my head i always thought i dont care how as long as youre here and happy nothing else matters. And i steped away as needed to ensure your happiness, but always come running when i felt you needed me. Because i wanted to give you the same gift you gave me. I never wanted you to feel alone and in your darkest times i tried to be a light, i tried to always let you know that you were loved completely, i tried to let you know you had a light that would help alot of people and change the world for the better. Sad thing is you never saw it the same as me. So much unspoken caused frustraction and anger. But it was known without words but by actions. There was a deeper connection still to this day i dont still understand. How can you know when someone is hurting without speaking or seeing them. But just feel it and find them in time to fix it. I dreamed of you a couple days before, i saw your funeral..it scared me. I looked for you for days pleading with every one to find you,time wasnt on my side the morning i finnally found you. As i was leaving to see you. You were already gone. I felt a whole of me die and break off. Still yet to find it. I closed myself to the world.The dark world that would turn off such a light. For so long i pretended to hate you but would break apart at anything thought. Suicide is such a selfish thing. The living world is supposed to pick up the pieces and try to move on.To forget of a world you once existed in. But what of the person that caused the affect do they ever stop to think of their actions before they act? Think of their family and friends.I dont believe you did. You for the first time in your life only saw the bad, not the whole picture. You gave into your fears and insecurities which could eat anyone whole. The years will continue to go on and i will have glimpses of you in my dreams asking you for those answers we all need to know..